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You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include the American servicemen and women who are buried in France?"
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have
heard a pin drop
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have
heard a pin drop.
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have
heard a pin drop.
Someone really stinks
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Is the English language easy ? ? You think English is easy???
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. There is a two-letter word
that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a
topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and
why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And
we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is
one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain
must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but
we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you
don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to
rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing
UP... When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it
doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP, for now my time is UP, so......it is time to shut UP! Oh . . . one more
thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night? U-P (you pee!)
Quotes from the Beijing Olympics 2008
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my
God, what have I just said?'
The Classic Version:
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.
The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while the ants have plenty. The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The BBC, interrupting an Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful agribiz company funded by the EU. The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost 14 million pounds of taxpayers money. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drugs overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of the government to address the causes of despair arising from social inequality. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing operation and terrorize the community.
Can you see any similarities with what goes on in the UK ?
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
A lot of the people in my local area have dogs that make a lot of noise, but it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
If possible, rather than the workmen knocking on my front door and traipsing through the house with their dirty feet, could they please come up my back passage instead.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have
two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
The following headlines have actually been printed in newspapers.
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
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