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Does your dog bite?
Someone really stinks
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Blonde Car Accident
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
The tradition at weddings
Is the English language easy ? ? You think English is easy???
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if
we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings
are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is
it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem
crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what
does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance
be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible!?!?
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP... When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so......it is time to shut UP! Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P (you pee!)
Quotes from the Beijing Olympics 2008
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I think we can expect the same thing again.'
Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
True letters of complaint that members of the public have sent to their local council
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
A lot of the people in my local area have dogs that make a lot of noise, but it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
If possible, rather than the workmen knocking on my front door and traipsing through the house with their dirty feet, could they please come up my back passage instead.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
The following headlines have actually been printed in newspapers.
- Miners refuse to work after death
- Include your children when baking cookies
- Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says
- Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Drunk gets nine months in violin case
- Iraqi head seeks arms
- Prostitutes appeal to Pope
- Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
- Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told
- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
- Cold wave linked to temperatures
- Stolen painting found by tree
- Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy
- Arson suspect held in Massachusetts fire
- Local high school drop-outs cut in half
- Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
- Red tape holds up new bridges
- Kids make nutritious snacks
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